


Open Your Eyes Love

by Bluejay141519



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: AKA, Angst, Head Injury, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, There are no rules, Unreliable Narrator, Whump, i broke them all, vague rules on how radios work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28536936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluejay141519/pseuds/Bluejay141519
Summary: Buck doesn't know how he got here. He doesn't even know where 'here' is, all he knows is that his head hurts, he can't move, and there's voices on the radio telling him that they know him.But Eddie.Eddie is coming for him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 152
Collections: Buddie Discord Secret Elf 2020





	Open Your Eyes Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miker/gifts).



> Full warning at the end :0 it's a little spoilery
> 
> title from "Open Your Eyes" by School of Seven Balls. Please by all means, listen to this song I love it so much and I feel like it fits Eddie so well (so I don't quite know why i chose it for this fic but whatever).
> 
> I hope you enjoy this Miker! I'm sorry its so late :|

“Help me,” He gasps. “Help- help me-”

There’s nothing around him - he is floating around in empty space, not grounded but somehow unable to move. The pain- the pain is-

God it everywhere. It’s everywhere and he can’t move-

“ _ Help _ .” He whimpers. “Please.”

Something shifts, out there in the nothingness. There’s a sound, like the screech of metal breaking and it sounds familiar. It might even be coming from him, but the air is so thick he can’t breathe, he- he can’t breathe, he-

“Help! Somebody help me!”

…

_ “Alright, not that I wouldn’t rather stay here and finish that six pack with you, but we do have shift tomorrow afternoon and I really need to get home.” _

_ Something crosses Eddies face, too fast for Buck to catch. “You know you could- um.” He grabs at the back of his neck, suddenly way to interested in the floor. “If you wanted you could- we- well I just thought-” _

_ Buck blinks in confusion. Is Eddie nervous? “Spit it out, Diaz.” _

_ Eddie glances at him, then returns his gaze to the floor with a small cough. “Um well I...noticed that you don’t work on Wednesday? I mean I know I get our shifts mixed sometimes, so I was double checking mine, and then I saw yours and noticed that…uh and Christopher is going to be with Carla, that night, so…” _

_ He looks up at Buck again. Buck grins and raises an eyebrow.  _

_ Eddie looks away so fast it’s like the sight of Buck burns him. A red blush has spread across the dark haired man’s cheeks, and Buck can’t help but be delighted, even if he doesn’t know what the hell is going on. _

_ Maybe it’s you, a small part of his brain whispers. Buck quickly tells it to shut up, just like he has every time he starts to hope that Eddie could like him the way Buck could like Eddie. _

_ “Do you want to go get spaghetti with me?”  _

_ Buck blinks again, trying to process Eddie’s fast speech. “Spaghetti.” He repeats. _

_ Eddie nods really fast and chugs the rest of his beer. Buck still has no idea what’s happening but like- he loves spaghetti. He loves pasta of all kinds. Carbs of all kinds. Pasta especially.  _

_ And he really likes Eddie. So this would seriously be a win win. _

_ “Edmundo Diaz,” He says seriously. Eddie’s face looses all color it previously had, including the blush, so he speeds up. “Are you finally going to take me to that new spaghetti shed? Because if you are, I might just kiss you.” _

_ The noise Eddie makes is one that Buck hasn’t ever heard before, but at least he looks less like he’s about to pass out. “Yes, since you complained so much.” _

_ “I was subtly hinting for exactly this purpose,” Buck scoffs. “You’re just dense.” _

…

He comes too with a moan, a sound he only realizes he’s made only after he’s heard it.

It’s still to dark to do anything, and he still can’t breathe, and he  _ knows  _ somehow, that he’s alone.

He lies there, trying to inhale because his body tells him to, but there’s something- something other than the air that’s making that hard. He can only go so far and then it stops. His chest. His chest can only expand so far. Yes that’s it.

Something is wrong with him.

Buck realizes, with a slowness that he is not accustomed to, that something is very,  _ very  _ wrong with him. His thoughts are coming slow like molasses. He’s so confused, and he doesn’t even know what he’s confused about.

He doesn’t...he can’t remember. He can’t remember anything. And the more the he thinks about it, the more he tries to remember - the more he realizes the truth in those statements. Not only can he not remember where he is, or how he got there, he can’t even remember the day. Or the year, or what country he’s in, or what he was doing or what he is supposed to be doing. He can’t even remember if someone is going to miss him enough to look for him.

Just thinking of his name takes too much effort. He should- he should know-

That might be the scariest thing of all, and it isn’t until his thoughts slowly come up with  _ ‘Evan Buckley’ _ does he really feel like he can inhale again. Except he inhales too fast and ends up coughing again, and oh,  _ oh  _ that hurts. It’s the dust, he has no idea how long he’s been down here unconscious but since there’s still this much dust he must be either really deep or it hasn’t actually been that long-

Evan furrows his brow in confusion. The information, now discovered, is just sitting in his brain. He knew that. Almost instinctively. That was important- he doesn’t know how he’d know that, but clearly he did. It must’ve been important. He must’ve had training, or something to know that. Unless he saw it in a show or something. Evan’s really good at picking up random facts from TV shows and movies, Eddie teases him about it all the time.

_ Eddie _ .

He doesn’t know the name. But he clearly must, because why else would he feel so- so happy when he thinks of the name.

Just like the conclusion with the dust, the name does not bring about any other memories. He doesn’t know where it came from or why it’s there or any details surrounding it. He can’t even wrack his brain for more. His thoughts feel like they’re tiny grains of sand, slipping through his fingers whenever he tries to grab a hold of them.

_ Eddie _ , he thinks.  _ Eddie’s coming. He’s going to find me. _

…

_ “He’s going to be so mad at me!” _

_ “He’s not going to be mad at you!”  _

_ “Maddie, I’m serious, how am I supposed to tell him that I can’t go?” _

_ “I don’t know, maybe say ‘sorry Eddie but I actually have to work, can we find another time?” You know? Like an Responsible Adult?” _

_ “I have never once been a Responsible Adult in my entire life.” _

_ “I know this, and considering your job, it kinda scares me.” _

_ “Ouch.” _

_ “You walked into that one.” _

…

There is a beam on his chest. There is also a radio, possibly, because there is another sound now other than his breathing. It’s crackly and it pops sometimes and Buck thinks it should be a radio. His hands feel numb, but he’s sure it’s a beam on his chest just as he’s sure the  _ Eddie  _ is coming.

Whoever he is.

The beam thing though - he moved, just the slightest, and cold, rough metal brushed against a bit of exposed skin - and just like he knew about Eddie and the dust, he knew this had to be a beam. A steal beam, from a building. He thinks- he’s probably under that building.

Might’ve been in it when it was still standing.

He’s cold.

Buck closes his eyes.

He has no idea how long he drifts, but he does. Slowly the dust becomes less thick, the air still raw in his throat but he’s not fighting a coughing fit every time he takes a shallow inhale.

_ “-ear me? Bu…are-...receiving? Firefighter Buckley, do you copy?” _

The voice is crackling, but coherent, somehow. It seems to crawl through the air, jumping around the now settling dust before it reaches Buck’s ears. He doesn’t even startle, despite the sudden break in the silence. For a long moment he thinks he’s dreamed it, but then it comes again, just as calm and insistent.

It must be a radio. He must be wearing a radio. It must be on his chest, on the heavy coat thing that he’s wearing. It’s the only thing keeping him warm. He’s got other clothes on, strange things to wear. His fingers still feel numb, but he thinks he’s wearing gloves. Who wears gloves inside? Or a heavy coat like his?

His hands still feel strange. He doesn’t know if they’re numb because of adrenaline or shock or nerve damage or something worse, and he wants to look at see if his his feet are okay, but knows he shouldn’t move his head to look because he clearly has...has a head injury...

_ How do I know that? How do I know to think that? _

The voice is still speaking. Buck thinks that he knows that voice. He knows that voice and he doesn’t want to disappoint them, this person, but he doesn’t remember why.

_ “Firefighter Evan Buckley, do you copy? This is Captain Nash, do you copy, over.” _

Buck makes a face at the name. He doesn’t know that name. Or maybe he does, but it’s wrong. It doesn’t match the voice. He doesn’t know Captain Nash, but he knows that voice. He must know that voice. 

_ Firefighter _ , he thinks.  _ Firefighter _ . That  _ must  _ be the radio then, and the heavy coat and the gloves...possibly why he was in the building when it was still standing. And why it’s no longer standing.

_ “Buck, kid if you can hear me I need you to try and talk to me.” _

He needs to respond, he needs to… he’s gotta say something. He needs to say something into the radio.

How does he do that?

He gets his left hand to twitch. It hurts, but when he tries to move his right, he can’t get anything to happen, so it’s his left. There’s a button on the radio, he knows, but he has to push it before he can try and speak. 

But he can can’t get his arm to do much more than flop. His wrist feels weird. Not numb but lose and weak somehow. That’s bad. This is all so bad and he doesn’t even know exactly how bad it is, he just knows the sinking dread in his stomach.

The person is still talking when Buck focuses again. He blinks. His eyes must be open for them to do that. He can’t see anything anyway.

That voice though. He’s never wanted to disappoint that voice, so when they ask him to talk, say something _ , anything Buckaroo, just let us know you’re alive- _

“Help,” He whispers. “Help me.” 

He doesn’t expect anything, but the radio must be really fucked up because-

_ “...Buck?! Buck, hey, hey Buck respond, respond again.” _

He makes a noise - it’s not a word, but it was an attempt. The ‘h’ sound came out, but nothing else. That beam is still on his chest. He thought it wasn’t doing that much damage, just making it hard to take a deep breath. It might be just that, and the slow oxygen depravation would be his biggest issue, but now he thinks that maybe when it fell - or when he fell - other damage was done.

_ “Buck, Buck we can hear, we can hear you! We’re gonna find you and get you out okay, just hand tight. Don’t try to move anything. Just stay awake and keep talking to me. _ ”

“Okay,” He says. Gosh his voice sounds like a mess. “Okay.”

_ I know this voice. I know it...I know… _

“Who,” he breathes, trying to stay awake like the voice said too. Trying to talk. He’s so confused.

_ “What?” _

“Who... are you?”

…

_ “Are you sure you want to do this?” _

_ “I mean, what’s the point of waiting?” _

_ Buck pauses outside the waiting room. That’s Bobby’s voice. And that’s Eddie answering him. _

_ “You didn’t answer me,” Bobby says. Buck can hear Eddie’s slightly annoyed huff at being caught. _

_ “I’m...I’m sure about how thinking about it makes me feel.” _

_ “Not the same thing.” _

_ “No it’s not,” Eddie agrees. “But I’m not sure about anything else, and...after everything with Chris I...I can’t wait. I know that. I can’t wait anymore. Anything could happen and I can’t do that again. I can’t lose...not without saying anything.” _

_ Buck takes a step back, suddenly very aware that he shouldn’t be listening to this. He creeps backwards before walking forward again, whistling and then purposely kicking the trash can outside the door. He swears like he didn’t mean to do it.  _

_ When he pushes open the door, Eddie casually taking a drink on a bench by the weights. Bobby is crouched by one of the treadmills looking like he might be trying to fix it or something. It’s excellent recovery, and if Buck hadn’t been eavesdropping like a creeper, he wouldn’t have known they were having a deep conversation moments before. _

_ He doesn’t say anything though. Even if a treacherous part of himself feels hurt that Eddie wouldn’t tell him about it. It’s none of his business. If Eddie doesn’t trust Buck to tell him, then that’s okay.  _

_ He’s a good friend. He’ll be okay with that.  _

_ He’ll make himself be okay with that. _

…

_ “Buck?” _

_ “Buck.” _

_ “Buck!” _

“Don’t yell,” Buck mumbles. He can’t tell if his eyes are open. He thinks maybe they aren’t because his eyes aren’t burning. “Don’t like it when you yell at me Hen.”

There’s a pause. He doesn’t know if he zones out or the new voice has decided not to tell. 

_ “You know who I am Buckaroo?” _

“No,” He mumbles. She sounds nice though. He likes the sound of her voice. “I don’t know you.”

_ “Okay, Buck, I think you hit your head.” _

“Yes,” He says. “I did.”

He did. His must’ve. It hurts so, and he can’t remember anything, but sometimes he’ll say or think these things and doesn’t know where they came from.

_ “Okay, Buck, listen. We’re going to come get you, but it’s gonna take a while. So we’re going to take turns talking to you okay, and I want you to try and respond as much as you can without stressing yourself out okay?” _

“Okay,” He mumbles. “Eddie’s coming.”

_ “Yeah he is Buck, he is but until he gets there you gotta talk to me okay? I know you’re really confused right now, but we’re coming to get you.” _

“Okay,” Buck repeats. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t...I don’t know you…”

_ “I know Buck,” _ The voice sounds sad. Like shes about to cry. He thinks he said her name earlier, but he can’t remember anything else. “ _ So I’m gonna tell you a story, and you let me know if you start to feel any worse okay? You ask as many questions as you want. Okay?” _

“Kay.” It’s not like Buck can do anything else. Although, they say he’s a firefighter. There must be some interesting stories, some weird things he’s done. 

_ “Any requests?” _

Buck swallows. His throat feels like sandpaper. “Tell me...tell me about the first time you met me.”

Her laugh gets cut off by static, but she comes back. She comes back and she tell hims all about himself. How he waltzed into that station, this cocky little shit that she  _ knew  _ was going to be trouble. How it was like he was meant to be there, so sure of his role as a firefighter that it annoyed her. He was brash and careless and so obviously desperate for something to keep him grounded. 

_ “Two braincells Buck,”  _ She laughs. _ “You hated that, but my gosh Buck it was like you never even heard about the word consequences. You managed to get fired and then rehired in the same day.” _

She tells him how he learned, how he was taught by all of them and how he eventually grew through pain. How some part of her almost missed how innocent he was in the beginning.

And then she tells him all about how he wanted to drive the truck the very first time the bell rang, and wouldn’t let anyone get in his way.

_ “You were like a little kid getting to sit up front,”  _ She says.  _ “You were practically vibrating out of the seat. Kept hitting the horn too.” _

He smiles, breath stuttering in his chest. “I always wanted to drive the truck. I always...got so excited whenever I saw firetrucks as a kid.”

She hums, a fond noise. “Well that makes sense. You must’ve told me a thousand times that you were born to do this.”

“That doesn’t sound like me at all.” He halfheartedly jokes. “I wouldn’t say it.”

_ “Well you didn’t,”  _ She says back _. “Or think, maybe once you outright told me. But that was after we really got to know each other. Before that it was these little things, all contradicting this sort of dickish attitude you had. The way you would clean the truck like it was the best chore to have, or how you’d take care of every patient and every victim we saw...it was like even the most mundane things were your absolute favorite. You never had to verbalize it Buck, but you said it with everything you did. Like it was the thing that kept you alive.” _

She seems to cut herself off after the last sentence, like there’s something painful there that she doesn’t want to talk about.

But then he doesn’t remember her, and he’s buried under a building. That’s probably pretty painful. She really seems to care about him.

“Hen,” He mumbles. “ _ Hen _ .”

_ “Buck?” _

“I’m. I’m really tired, do you think I could...just take a minute? Just to...relax.”

_ “No, no Buck you need to stay awake, you need to stay with me!” _

Buck feels a jolt go through his system. She’s said that before - she’s said that to him. Twice, the first time-

_ ‘No, no stay with me Buck, stay with me!’ _

_ There’s a firetruck and it’s on him. It’s on him, he can’t move, he’s pinned, he can’t move, help, oh god it hurts, it hurts so bad-  _

He blinks, and there’s people, but there can’t be people, and then he blinks, and it’s dark but he still can’t move and he just- he wants- he’s alone and he’s  _ scared _ .

_ I don’t want to be alone anymore. _

...

_ Eddie’s acting weird. _

_ “You’re acting weird.” _

_ Eddie drops the barbell in his hand and it nearly lands on his foot. He leaps out of the way and nearly falls into the weight rack. _

_ And if that wasn’t confirmation enough, the high pitched squeak of his voice is when he replies. “What? No! No I’m no weird at all. I mean I’m not being weird. I’m not- why do you say that?” _

_ Buck raises an eyebrow. Eddie bites his lip and goes to pick up the weight. “I’m not acting weird. You’re being weird asking me.” _

_ “Oh that’s subtle,” Buck laughs, laying back down on the bench. “We’re still on for Wednesday?” _

_ There’s a pause. Buck tenses - what if this was the thing that Eddie was talking about? What he doesn’t want to be friends with Buck anymore- _

_ “Oh. Yeah. Yes, definitely! We- yeah.”  _

_ Buck laughs, relaxing again and gripping the bar. “Great. Now come spot me.” _

_ “Yeah okay”, Eddie laughs too, smiling like he’s relieved. He puts down his barbell and walks over. “You ready Buck?” _

...

_ “I don’t know if you can hear me Buck, but it’s my turn on the radio. Hen is officially very very upset with you.” _

Buck groans slightly, coming back to a raging headache. God it hurts just to  _ exist  _ now. He doesn’t even have his eyes open. His head just  _ hurts _ . He wants to cry it hurts so bad.

_ “We decided to take turns with the radio, because...well we all want to get to you. And we’re gonna get to you Buck, we are, we just need you to stay with us until then.” _

For some reason this persons voice elicits an image of a chimney. A literal red brick chimney.

_ “You kinda got deep with Hen, so I thought I’d tell you all about my favorite moment I’ve ever gotten to witness on the job with you. See you have this knack of getting into trouble, and very rarely is it as funny as this was.” _

Buck manages a light cough. The new voice pauses, but Buck can’t manage anything more. In fact, for the next...however long it takes for the voice to tell the story, Buck can’t do anything at all. He just lies there, wheezing slightly, eyes squeezed shut against the excruciating pain in his head.

But boy, does this one tell a story.

_ “You guys were so high...all because you had a sweet tooth. You and Eddie, you were so scared of these little five year olds in dresses. I mean I really thought you were about to sprint out of there, you know? So then I’m sitting there, you’re all high as fuck, one ladys got a shoe in her face, Athena is two seconds away from kicking you all in the balls to sober you up, the other lady is yelling about birth control, and I don’t even have our captain there to help us.” _

Buck wants to laugh. He wants to laugh because he’s seen that video and he...he thought it was so funny and he...Eddie was  _ crying _ …

He doesn’t like it when Eddie cries though. He doesn’t know why that would be funny.

Him accidentally getting high on the job though. He hopes this person got footage of that or something, he’d really like to see it.

Once he gets out of here.

If.

...

_ “Are you going to pick me up?” _

_ “Huh?” _

_ Buck continues to slice cucumbers for the salad, keeping his eyes on the knife. He’s only allowed near the knives if he swears to keep his eyes on the blade at all times. Ever since That Incident that took stuffed peppers off the menu for the foreseeable future. _

_ “I said, are you going to pick me up? Or should I uber there, or…” _

_ “Oh. Oh!” Eddie gets with the program. “I can pick you up. If you want. But if you want to drive thats fine, I mean I won’t be offended or anything if you like, would prefer-” _

_ “Eddie. Bud.” Buck finishes chopping the vegetable and puts the knife down to give his best friend a look. “I was just asking. If you want to pick me up, that would be grand, because then I can actually drink, should I desire too.” _

_ “Should you desire too,” Eddie mocks, even as his cheeks turn a little pink. “Weirdo. Who drinks beer with spaghetti?” _

_ “I didn’t say beer!” _

_ “Oh, you’re gonna drink wine? You?” _

_ “Maybe I am,” Buck grabs a carrot. Eddie eyes him carefully until Buck goes back to looking at the knife. “Maybe I’m cultured.” _

_ “Sure. And maybe I’m not-” Eddie cuts himself off with a cough.  _

_ “Not what?” _

_ “Nothing.” _

_ “Didn’t sound like nothing,” Evan teases. “Sounds like you missed a perfectly good opportunity to chirp me, and you didn’t even-” _

_ “Just let it go Buckley!” _

_ Buck freezes, knife pressed firmly to the cutting board. “Okay, sorry.” He mumbles, then goes back to cutting. _

_ He doesn’t know what the deal is with Eddie, but there’s obviously something wrong. And no matter what he does, he can’t seem to fix it. He doesn’t need Eddie to tell him, he just wants to make Eddie feel a little bit better. _

_ Buck just wants Eddie to be okay. _

...

The world is noisy again.

The ceiling above him creaks and groans and the floor beneath him sways and tips like he’s on a ship. Is he on a ship? 

No. No he wasn’t on a ship, he was in a building. He’s in a building. He’s in a building, and he was moving, and someone was yelling at him and then there was a door and a  _ bomb- _

_ “Everyone else is going to gonna be nice and give you a choice here, but you’re going to listen to me Evan Buckley, whether you like it or not. _ ”

A new voice. A new one, but just as infuriatingly familiar. Just as far out of reach, but so close. 

This one commands that he become aware enough to listen. He will, because if he doesn’t she’ll probably cut off his balls.

A goddess, he thinks. Or something. That’s her name.

Why are all the voices so strangely named? So far he’s got a chicken, a chimney, and a greek goddess.

_ “From the moment I met you, I knew you were going to be trouble. And I’ve been on this job long enough to really have a bar set for that word. Boy the attitude you gave me...I almost slapped you into the next week.” _

He probably would have deserved it. Considering the other stories he’s been told about himself.

_ “And then I had the unfortunate experience of getting to know you. I say unfortunate, because you sir, have the worst luck I’ve ever seen a person have. And my husband is a firefighter. So I thought I’d seen it all, heard it all. But you...you wormed your way into my life and then in my heart and before I knew it, I was about ready to sign adoption papers.” _

There’s a beat of silence. Then-

_ “Asshole.” _

Buck manages a smile again. Of course she’d hate that, she’s such an independent person, but she loves so deeply and he-

_ Athena _ . Goddess of war and good counsel, carrying the virtues of justice, skill, and prudent restraint. Buck looked it up one day and thought it was so funny, because the website basically said  _ Athena: an intellectual _ and he couldn’t stop laughing.

He misses her. He doesn’t remember much of... _ them _ , but she’s familiar. Safe and strong and protective. He wishes she was here in person to yell at him, and he didn’t have to lay there pinned under literal tons of concrete and debris and hear her voice fade in and out over the radio. 

_ “So let me make this clear too, you self sacrificing dumbass, _ ” She says, voice harder than granite.  _ “I know you hate to listen, but you will listen to me this time. You’re going to be fine when we find you. Because I swear to god, if you decide, that now of all times is when you won’t be stubborn, I will go to whatever after life you end up and drag you back here just to kill you again, you hear me?” _

Buck breathes in. 

Breathes out.

“Copy.”

…

_ Buck checks his hair in the mirror, checks his phone, then considers changing his shirt for the third time that night. _

_ It was a pretty normal thing for him. So normal that he’s learned to build in time in his schedule for his ‘pre-Eddie routine’. As in, brush the teeth and check the mirror and shower and check the mirror again and lay out six outfits then tear apart his closet for six more then decide on none of them. He’s pretty sure he's only ever worn the same three shirts around Eddie because of this.  _

_ He’s just constantly trying to find the balance between looking nice and not being too casual. He’d wear a collared shirt (he just found a really nice dark blue one that he thinks really brings out his eyes) but they’re going to the equivalent of a food truck. It’s just a tiny building. _

_ He looked up the menu before hand. He could buy a literal bucket of spaghetti. They actually hand out a tin pail.  _

_ Three pounds of spaghetti. And then he could add on with the three loaves of garlic bread and additional multi sauce sampler where each sauce comes in smaller pails. He has no idea how or why they came up with this marketing scheme, but it’s kind of awesome. _

_ It’s a nice night too, so the black short sleeve t-shirt should be perfect. The color should hide any sauce stains too. Added bonus. _

_ He feels- good about this. He knows Eddie has been nervous about something but he did really seem to want to take Buck out. Buck trusts him to call it off if he really didn’t want to go. _

_ But Buck got a text twenty minutes ago saying Eddie was on his way. So. He’s left debating once again if he should brush his teeth for a second time, or if the mouth wash is too much since it’s not like. _

_ Well it’s not like Buck will be kissing anyone tonight. Anyway, once he starts eating it won’t matter. _

_ Although he’s...probably going to stay away from the bread.  _

_ His phone vibrates again. ‘Outside :)’ _

_ He takes a deep breathe. “I got this,” He tells the mirror with his signature smile. “It’s going to be great.” _

...

The noise is still there, but it feels like it’s far above him. Random thumps and bangs, pieces of concrete shifting, metal groaning. He’d have thought it would’ve been closer.

It’s so difficult to breath now. Not that he can’t get enough air - although he thinks he hasn’t been able to get enough air for a while now - it’s more that it’s a lot of work to make his chest expand. That’s a new development. Before he was only vaguely aware of his head and the pain he was in.

Now it’s like- like he feels everything. The sharp object digging into his back, the large chunk of concrete pressing on his right arm, the liquid dripping down into his left glove. His head. His poor head. There’s no helmet - he thinks he should have one, but he must’ve lost it. 

His head feels...thick almost. And heavy. Like his skull is filled with some of the same concrete that makes up his surroundings.

_ “Hey kiddo.” _ A soft voice floats through the air.

Buck struggles to open his eyes. He feels like that’s all he’s done since he’s been down here. Blink and breathe and fall in and out of consciousness. 

And listen. Listen to these people that he thinks might be his family tell him all the different ways they care about him without actually saying it. While he can’t even remember them.

He’s got the names of some of them, he knows that. But there’s still so much missing. It hurts to much to try and find out what.

“ _ We’re almost to you now,” _ The voice says. This one is related to the last one but in a different way.  _ “You got so lucky- I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way, but you did. It was a three story building that came down on you. It’s why it’s taken so long to get to you, we had to be so careful. Once you responded and we knew you were alive we-” _

The voice cuts off. Buck doesn’t know if it’s the radio or the fact that this person really thought he was dead. Or maybe is realizing that Buck still might die.

Because he’s certainly getting worse. His muddled brain is quietly informing him that he’s been losing blood, he’s been breathing contaminated air, his lungs haven’t been able to expand properly for hours. That’s all without whatever is happening in his brain.

_ “It’s been tough because we don’t know if you’ve passed out or if the radio stopped working or if you...but I know you wouldn’t do that to us. I know you’re too damn stubborn to give up like that and I know that you care to much to leave us. _

_ “I also know that you have this idea in your head that you care to much. Or that we don’t care about you. I...I think I can see how you might’ve got that impression and I’m sorry that we didn’t do things like a family. I’m sorry we didn’t talk like we should’ve. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you that I...I was scared. I’ve already lost one family, and then it felt like I was going to lose you too, just because you wanted to be like me.” _

“Bobby,” Buck realizes. “Bobby?”

_ “Buck? Are you back with me?” _

“I don’t want to go,” Buck mumbles through numb lips. “I don’t want to leave. Bobby I’m scared.”

_ “I know, I know Buck. We’re gonna get you out. You’ve done so well, I know you’re confused and you’re hurt, but we’re so close. You gotta hang on just a little bit longer.” _

Buck squeezes his eyes shut and inhales with effort. “Okay.”

_ “Okay. Okay you gotta try and keep talking to me alright? When you talk we can hear you better.” _

“Hurts.”

_ “Can you tell me what hurts?” _

“Head. Chest. I can’t feel my hand.”

_ “Alright that’s good Buck, that’s real good.” _

Buck takes a shuddering breath and grits his teeth. He feels awful, cold and tense and shaky and he can’t control anything. He can’t even move. 

But Eddie’s coming. Eddie’s coming to get him, and Bobby wants him to keep talking. He’s probably helping Buck stay awake until Eddie gets here. “What happened? Did I...” Hen had said he liked to not listen. Or had that been Athena? “Did I screw up?”

Bobby sighs. “ _ It was supposed to be a normal fire. You...this wasn’t your fault Buck. If it was anyone it was mine.” _

He must read Buck’s confusion because he continues.  _ “You said the fire was wrong, that it was spreading in a way that was inconsistent. You said it felt like arson, but I didn’t see it the same way. Everyone went in, evacuated residents, and then suddenly you couldn’t get out. You couldn’t get out because the fire had blocked off the entrance and no where else. You were in the basement, and you were running out of air, and then...I don’t know, the whole building collapsed.” _

“There was an explosion,” Buck rasps, wheezing. “I couldn’t get out and I knew it was going to...I found a closet.”

He did. He must’ve to have survived. He had enough time to tell everyone to stay out, to stay away,  _ that’s fertilizer- _

_ “It was like a bomb, yeah.” _

“No, it was...they set fire in front of the entrance to the basement so...so no one would go down there. So no one would see.”

_ “You don’t have to worry about that Buck, we’ll figure it out later. Or the police will.” _

“Could be dangerous Bobby.”

_ “The fire is out Buck. We’re fine, you gotta stay with us a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer and then we you can see everyone. Maddie and Chris - they’re waiting for you. You can’t leave them.” _

Buck hums. He’s shaking now, shaking so hard he feels like he’s going to come apart at the seams. “I don’t want to leave you either.”

_ “So don’t- don’t go, Buck. Don’t leave us.” _

He’s not leaving. Of course not. Not until Eddie comes to get him. He can’t leave unless it’s to go with Eddie, because Eddie’s coming for him. He’s going to be here.

It’s like his teacher used to tell them on field trips - if he ever got lost, he needed to stay put, so then it would be easier for someone to find him. He just needs to stay put. Stay there, stay with Bobby and Hen and Athena and Chimney, and then Eddie can find him.

Eddie.

Shit, Eddie. This is probably going to mess them up. After all, Eddie was supposed to take him out on-

“I didn’t have Wednesday off,” Buck realizes. He can’t keep anything straight anymore. 

_ “Buck?” _

“Tell...tell Eddie I- I’m gonna need a raincheck on our date.” He’s slurring. He doesn’t even know if Bobby can understand what he’s saying. He doesn’t even quite know what he’s saying, but it makes sense. He did have to work that Wednesday. Eddie got him the night off just to ask him out.

Eddie -  _ Eddie _ , his Eddie - was asking him on a date.

A fucking date, and Buck didn’t even know.

_ “Buck, Buck stay awake okay, we’re almost to you.”  _

“Can’t,” He whispers, even though the voice sounds so scared. “I want to see Chris. I want to- I’m so tired-”

“Buck!”

_ I want to say I love you. _

…

Buck doesn’t wake up so much as float to the surface of a drugged haze.

Well, he’s not under a building anymore. He’s pretty sure he’s no longer in shock and also he’s probably no longer bleeding out.

Because he’s in a hospital.  _ Again _ .

At this point they might as well give him his own suite. Permanently put his name on the door.

His thoughts are still fuzzy and his head still feels like it’s stuffed full of cotton but he remembers things now. 

Like Eddie. His  _ boyfriend _ .

“I forgot you,” The words tumble from his lips like dominos unbidden and one on top of the other. 

Still, the comfortable weight on his arm shifts abruptly. He misses the warmth but only for a moment as rough skin brushes over his face. Callused fingers and gentle hands.

Eddie.

“Easy baby,” Eddie rumbles. “You’re okay.”

“I don’t know if you can say that when I’m in the hospital.” Buck mumbles, peeling his eyes open. The lights are too bright and the air makes his eyes burn so he closes them again.

“I can say that. I think the more I say that the more true it becomes so I’m gonna say it a lot.” The touch on his face falls away, Eddie moving his hands to Bucks and giving them a squeeze. “Besides, you’re a lot more okay than you were.”

“Yeah,” Buck grumbles. “I can remember my life. That’s handy.”

“You’ve got a lot of sass for someone with a TBI who just woke up.” Eddie replies. “And I don’t think you really forgot it, exactly. You were talking a lot.”

Buck manages to get his eyes open to half mast. The whole world is blurred and fuzzy, a strong sign of some very strong painkillers. “How come I never heard you? Were you at home?”

He could’ve sworn he asked for him though. He swore that it felt like Eddie was there, the whole time.

“You kept talking about our first date.” Eddie mumbles, all dull eyes and pale skin. “You kept saying that you couldn’t go, because you were supposed to work that night.”

Buck takes a shaky inhale. “I didn’t know you had gotten a shift change for me.”

“You were going to miss it or you would’ve found out, and I had to bribe Bobby to get him to convince you that you were never supposed to work that day.”

“That was so long ago,” He smiles. “I was so oblivious. I thought you were hiding something from me.”

“Yeah, you idiot, my  _ feelings _ .”

“Well I figured that out,” Buck closes his eyes again. “I jokingly asked you to re-enact the lady and the tramp scene with some spaghetti and you said yes.”

“Shut up.” Eddie grumbles, laying his head back down on probably the only uninjured part of Buck’s body. He can’t really feel anything, so he trust Eddie to find the unbandaged part of his arm. “It sounded cuter in my head. Go back to sleep.”

Buck would, he would because he still doesn’t know what’s going on and thinking is inherently to difficult but.

But.

“Eddie,” Buck whispers. “Eddie.”

“Mmm.”

“I love you.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Warnings:  
> main character/narrator has a serious head injury which causes flashbacks to previous trauma. the POV may be confusing because it's from the POV of someone with a serious head injury.  
> References to drug use without consent as in the episode "dosed".
> 
> Let me know what you think!


End file.
